I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
