It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
