There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
