Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
