I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
