She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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