who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
