Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
