Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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