dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
