i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
time to smoke my breakfast
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
