She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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