I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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