i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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