I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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