Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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