you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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