I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
