Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
