How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My bed smells like the plague
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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