He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
