if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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