You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
