I smell stomach acid.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
