I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
