Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
