I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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