y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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