So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
