i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
