...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
