I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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