I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
