I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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