I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
