Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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