Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
