cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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