He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
