so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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