I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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