I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Randomize
