Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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