hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
