I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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