Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
