Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
