I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How does it feel to date your dad?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
