Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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