Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
