i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I sprained my soul last night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
