just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
