I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
