Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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