I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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