Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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