yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
