it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
