sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize