One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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