I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
